The Five Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen
Friday, May 20, 2011 | Steve Ferguson 
- Vancouver, British Columbia - Have you ever been to the theatre and been massively disappointed by a movie? Like, you step out and declare it’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Well, once you’ve had time to reflect on the movie, surely you can make some concessions for the movie. As it stands, most movies will have some redeeming features. Transformers 2 was awful, but the effects were good and Megan Fox was hot. There are little things you can pull out from any movie that can at least partially make you understand why the movie was put out.
On the other hand, there are movies so terrible out there that there is no redemption. This is not a conclusive list by any stretch. There are some movies I’ve refused to see (The Master of Disguise for one) and there are some that were bad and I didn’t watch the whole way through (Joe’s Apartment). So this list is counting down the worst movies I’ve seen start to finish. Movies that I feel have no redeeming features and are offensive simply by their existence. I’ve even decided to not include movies that are bad, but are funny in how bad they are. Movies you can sit around with some friends and pick apart for laughs. The following don’t even have that going for them. Haven’t heard of any of them? Good! Don’t watch them.
On to the list:
"Cyborg Soldier" (2008); directed by John Stead; starring Rich Franklin, Bruce Greenwood, and Tiffani Thiessen#5. Cyborg Soldier (2008)
So, a guy who is a cyborg escapes from evil scientists who want to use him as the ultimate weapon. He runs into the local sheriff who is perplexed by everything, and they go on the run. And he gets shot…a lot. Then they go back to the compound and defeat the bad guys – yay!
For those of you who think I’ve found the most obscure low-budget b-movies out there, and am targeting them, guess again. We have Bruce Greenwood and Tiffani Thiessen starring in a movie that has less entertainment value than most b-movies. Firstly, this movie is boring as hell. I want to send a message to filmmakers everywhere: the occasional gunfight doesn’t compensate for boring dialogue spoken by boring characters.
Our protagonist, Isaac, is apparently a cyborg but you’d never know it by watching this movie. We don’t see any robotic component to the dude ever; all we see is that he can take being shot a lot. I guess “Genetically Enhanced Endurable Soldier” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
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Sheriff Reardon (Thiessen) and Isaac (Franklin) talk about the weather or something.iffani Thiessen is a pretty girl, and I’m willing to grant movies more leeway if there’s a particularly good-looking gal cast (oh who am I kidding – guys too). But her clothes are so baggy, and most of the time she looks like she’s half asleep. Just paying the bills Tiffani? And Bruce…what are you DOING here??
And I just can’t get over how much Rich Franklin looks like Jim Carrey doing a Terminator impression. Anyway, I hope the poster is enough to deter you from this nonsense.
"Future War" (1997); directed by Anthony Doublin; starring Daniel Bernhardt and Robert Z'Dar#4. Future War (1997)
In the future, evil alien cyborgs have enslaved humanity. To keep them in check, the cyborgs are using dinosaurs as slave-masters. One resourceful slave travels back in time to the present to hide, befriending a house full of odd people led by a prostitute-turned-nun. But the trackers and a single cyborg have followed him back to recapture him.
No, that’s not Jean-Claude Van Damme. Although, that might have made this movie worse. You might recognize Daniel Bernhardt as Agent Johnson in the Matrix movies, but that’s about it. Based on the plot synopsis, this movie sounds awesome, right? Well, it’s unfortunately dull and the special effects are just terrible. Worse of all, they try to play this movie very straight, like it’s the next big thriller.
That irritates me. You can do a lot with a movie that has a limited budget, and not taking yourself too seriously has to be on the menu. Have some fun, be a little ridiculous, but please stop boring us.
The Cyborg Master (Z’Dar) is looking to do some killing – probably because he has the worst hair on set.There seems to be a whole genre out there of crappy sci-fi, and this movie seems to be the epitome of it all. You take an interesting or fun concept, and then rewrite it with as much needless dialogue as possible so that it fits within your budget. Guys honestly, if a movie isn’t within your budget, don’t compromise your story by slicing out the expensive stuff. And also, you gotta watch your casting. Bernhardt is an okay choice, but this Z’Dar guy? I want a menacing cyborg, not one that looks like the Borg assimilated an aging hair metal drummer. At least Cyborg Soldier had Bruce Greenwood.
"Christmas on Mars" (2008); directed by Wayne Coyne, Brad Beesley, and George Salisbury; starring Steven Drozd, Wayne Coyne, and Steve Burns#3. Christmas On Mars (2008)
On Mars, Major Sirtis is going insane with visions, and there’s a baby going to be born. The station malfunctions, and a benevolent alien shows up. Someone puts on a Santa suit…I’m sorry, I got lost.
Psychedelic band The Flaming Lips were trying to get this movie off the ground for years. They spent a lot of blood, sweat, and tears getting this movie produced, and took it to their studio, Warner Bros, for release. Warner Bros watched it and declined. After the band hyped it up for their fans for a few years, WB relented and released the film (in select cities). At first, I was jubilant for the band, and disappointed in WB.
Now I love The Flaming Lips but I'm sorry guys...where's the plot? I'm serious, there is actually no plot. The dialogue is downright painful at times, and they only use like three of the songs from the soundtrack, and loop them over and over again. This movie is PAINFUL to watch. Just painful.
The Martian (Coyne) wears a Santa suit at one point. I don’t know why.I simply can’t understand how a group as talented as those guys can produce something so mind-numbingly awful. I was watching this at a B-movie night and I legitimately began to worry people were going to leave. You know what’s better than this movie? The trailer, which sums up what the movie is supposed to be about. And the soundtrack, which they didn’t use most of in the film. And what’s with all the vagina imagery?? Seriously!
"BloodRayne 2" (2007); directed by Uwe Boll; starring Natassia Malthe and Zach Ward#2. BloodRayne 2 (2007)
The half-human/half-vampire vigilante Rayne travels through the Wild West defeating evil. She finds out Billy The Kid is a vampire holding a town hostage, so she gathers a posse to depose him. He has a posse too, and has killed everyone in the town but the children.
Generally, I give Uwe Boll movies a pass because as awful as they are, you can sit around with some friends and laugh your head off at how poorly it’s shot and edited. I simply can’t do that this time. Even though Malthe is pretty hot, I say there’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed and firmly on the other side of that line is showing a little girl getting hanged.
I get it Uwe: you want to raise the stakes and show how badass Billy The Kid is. You want to make Rayne realize this guy isn’t screwing around. But on the other hand…we have all the kids hooked up to a doomsday device, and one little girl is hanged. I can’t forgive that; that’s just offensive.
Okay, I might have accepted it if the kid died for something, or if a major plot point revolved around it, but it was also totally superfluous, except for the previously stated “He’s the bad guy!” reason.
Yes, you’re all cowboys…cowgirls…cow vampires?Another issue I have is how boring this movie is, which you may have noticed is my primary complaint. If a movie doesn’t entertain on any level, it fails. But they were really trying here with characters giving potentially funny lines and interesting dialogue, but because they didn’t get nearly enough screen time, we barely knew who they were. This movie was rushed, dull, and kills little girls. Thanks Uwe!
"Zardoz" (1974); directed by John Boorman; starring Sean Connery and Charlotte Rampling#1. Zardoz (1974)
In the distant future, mankind has split into two groups: savages (called Brutals) and super-psychic immortals (called Eternals). There’s a giant stone head god named Zardoz, who rules over the Brutals, and one day Z travels through the stone head to the Eternals’ realm. Unfortunately, they’re corrupt. Fortunately, he wants to show them sex and violence.
In 1972, director John Boorman made a movie with Jon Voigt and Burt Reynolds called Deliverance that cleaned up at the Oscars and made back a whopping 23 times its budget. In response, Fox snatched him up, gave him at least a million dollars, and told him to make his passion. Boorman recruited the newly out of work ex-Bond Sean Connery, and made this film.
I wish I could say it was boring, but this film goes beyond that. It’s pretentious nonsense at its peak. Boorman tries to make us believe this is an intelligent movie, but it stands out as poor imitation of the post-apocalyptic fad films that dominated the era. Its runtime is just over two hours, but you will feel like it is four. You’d think with a huge budget, they could afford better special effects than trippy lightshows and a floating head that vomits out guns (I’m not joking).
When I asked my Dad if he had seen it, and what he thought, his response was that it was a stereotypical British sci-fi titty flick. This is one such film where I wish there was no nudity, because it feels so damned forced. “There’s been too much talking…throw in a boob!” In fact, the inserted sexuality always seems forced, and it’s insanely prevalent in this movie.
Z (Connery) is interrogated by the Eternals, and he responds by flooding porn on their monitors from his mind. Really.And then…Sean Connery’s…hair…it’s everywhere….
I acknowledge that some people out there genuinely like this flick, and even though it has a low score on RottenTomatoes.com, all of Uwe Boll’s flicks scored worse. But what kills this movie for me is that I can’t even make fun of it, because it’s so damned painful to watch. I hate this movie. I hate it a lot.
SF
BloodRayne 2, Christmas on Mars, Cyborg Soldier, Future War, Sean Connery, Zardoz | | in Film
Reader Comments (10)
You know, I'd say that BloodRayne 2 was worse than Zardoz. Well, maybe. oh never mind, it's not worth trying to remember.
Future War was one we watched through Mystery Science Theatre 3000, wasn't it?
Yes it was. And God bless MST3K
Dude, have you ever seen The Room? Worst movie EVAR!
HA! Love this article! HA!
BTW...I'd love an article exploring your "B-movie" favorites... I've just started exploring that realm with stuff like "Season of the Witch" and "Priest"
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1) Ah Mr. Jackson, I think I might just do such a follow-up, as I have seen some surprisingly good ones. Maybe two more lists: b-movies that are better than you'd think, and funniest b-movies to watch with your friends.
2) Kurtis, I saw a review of The Room, and I just don't know if I can bring myself to watch it.
How could they manage to make Tiffani Thiessen look so frumpy and fat in Cyborg Soldier? Not saying that an actress should always look like a bomb in each film, but honestly, in that photo that you posted, it looked like the costumer designers made an outfit for a male character and due to a low-budget, the director said, "you know what? screw it! It'll do." =/
I'm pretty sure that was their motto for everything in the production.
So... who is Tiffani Thiessen?
Kelly from Saved By The Bell. So...the chick who WASN'T in Showgirls.
To be honest, I had never heard of her before Steve had mentioned her and when I saw the photo that he posted, I wasn't sure why you thought she was smoking hot...then I looked her up to see what else she had been in and she is actually quite pretty.